Jesus Wept

God is good.

Cove hasn't been able to get off the ventilator like the doctors had hoped she would. So, they've decided to go ahead with heart surgery. She is on the schedule for tomorrow morning, first thing, 7:30 a.m. They weren't sure which type of surgery would benefit Cove best, so they decided to go with a temporary solution. Because this fix is only temporary, Cove would need a special IV medicine that keeps a certain valve in her heart open until they could do another surgery. She would have to stay in the hospital during that period. They're telling us she'll be in the hospital for the first 6 months of her life. They also said that she would potentially be on the ventilator for some time, if not a large portion of the time until the next surgery, not able to do much. I finally broke when the doctor warned us that after surgery, her chest would have to stay open for a while with a patch over it before they’d be able to close it back up because she’s a newborn.

Still, God is good.

If I would have written this update yesterday, it would’ve looked a lot different. I was disappointed, frustrated, confused. I felt unloved by God. I felt like what’s happening is so contradictory to what He has been speaking to us through this journey. So many promises of hope that the Lord has given us and those around us…the confirmation time and time again that God wants to move in amazing ways through this…all those bold prayers that we felt led by the Spirit to pray. How can it be this way?

Oh, but God.

Last night, I spent the night with Cove while Walker took Manna home.

Last night, it was just me and Cove together in a cold hospital room…and Jesus.

Last night, Jesus wept with me.

I saw a video of a pastor preaching about “when God doesn’t do what we wanted Him to.” He was preaching from the story of Lazarus. The preacher talked about feeling unloved when God doesn’t work things out the way you thought He would. But in that story, it says “Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So when He heard that he was sick, He then stayed two days longer in the place where He was” (John 11:5-6). He focused on the fact that Jesus loved each of them, and yet he didn’t go to them immediately to heal Lazarus. Why? Because the Father’s will was for Jesus to be even more glorified than that.

After watching the 30-second clip, I wanted to read the story for myself. On my way, I stumbled into some old prayers in my journal from December when I was praying, no, begging God to bring me deeper, to let me experience Him in a radical way, to awaken my faith and the faith of those around me. I know this is Him answering that prayer. Then, I read the story. After Lazarus dies, Martha and Mary both say to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

They probably felt the same way I did yesterday. “God, if you loved me, you would have….”

Even though Jesus knew what was to come, it says “When Jesus saw her weeping…He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled and…He wept” (John 11:33-35). Last night, Jesus wept with me.

When I hear what the doctors are saying, it hurts. When I look at Cove not able to move or do anything, it hurts. When I say goodbye to my family in the evening and stay behind by myself, it hurts. It all reminds me of the hope I had that God would’ve already intervened. I hoped that she would be born without any problems. I hoped that God would’ve worked a miracle on the front side of all of this. But He didn’t, and that hurts. However, He had reminded me of the true hope that He has given us from the beginning. We are giving God all the space to work and move as He wills. We are surrendering everything, and He has all of us in His hands. So, I can KNOW for certain that He will do something so great with this. That’s just who God is. He is I AM

Make no mistake, God WILL be glorified in our circumstances.

Right now, I can’t see it. Right now, things seem dark and hopeless. Right now, it’s hard to believe the things that I believed before. But I’m clinging to this: Jesus LOVED Martha and Mary and Lazarus, SO He stayed two days longer in the place where He was. He waited until all seemed hopeless. He wept with them in the midst of their disappointment, frustration, and confusion. Then, He did something absolutely miraculous—something only He could’ve done. And many believed in Him.

Today, I write this full of joy and confidence! I don’t know what God’s plan is, and I’m honestly glad for that. I don’t know how this could possibly turn good. But I do KNOW that God is going to do something amazing here in this place! We still believe that He wants to do something miraculous through Cove—something only He could do. And I already stand in awe of the future He holds in His hands!

God, You are so good. I’m thankful that You are faithful even when we are not. We want Your presence more than the promise. We pray for Your presence to be undeniable. We pray that You will be made known. We believe in Your goodness. Father, do with this situation whatever brings You the most glory.