Honest Love

It was Valentine’s Day! I opened my eyes to the sun, with a bright yellow glow, beaming through the window shades of the bedroom. Love was in the air. The birds were singing songs of joy outside. The roses outside looked like little hearts……

Now back to reality.

I actually woke up to Walker getting a fussy Manna out of bed. He leaned down and whispered to me, “go back to sleep, I’ve got her” (that’s how parents say ‘I love you’). I don’t know how much longer I slept, but hours sure do feel like minutes when you’re trying to sleep as a mom of an infant.

When I finally got up, I came into the living room to see a big stuffed teddy bear wearing a new rain jacket, a box of sugar free chocolate (we’re trying to cut out added sugars), and a homemade Valentine’s Day card propped up in front. I apologized because though I had his gift in my closet, I had not put it all together yet.

The excitement continued as we all had breakfast together, nothing too fancy. I had eggs, an apple, and peanut butter. Walker had eggs and a banana. Manna normally refuses to eat first thing in the morning, so she had more time to play. Then Walker kissed me goodbye and headed to the office.

When Walker’s lunch break was nearing, I figured I needed to put his gift together so I could give it to him when he got home. I sat Manna on the bed with a few toys and pulled out my craft box. I wanted to make him feel as special as he made me feel.

Manna began to fuss, so I tried to rotate some of her toys out to keep her entertained. I began cutting out some pink hearts to glue them onto the bag, thinking it would add some cute detail that also wouldn’t take too long.

Manna started to get louder, madder, so I rolled her onto her belly for some tummy time, hoping to satisfy her long enough to finish my little project. I put the gift in a little brown bag along with some silver packing paper. Of course, both came from my home collection of gift bags, but it’s the thought that counts, right?

At this point Manna was full-on crying and I started scrambling to finish the task at hand. When the baby isn’t happy, no one is happy, and a screaming baby adds a level of urgency that nothing else can. I began to get really frustrated with Manna, and overwhelming feelings began to circle like vultures within me. Anxiously, I wrote “For My Love” on some red construction paper, planning to glue it to the front of the bag and be done with this whole escapade.

That’s when I hear a thud along with a moment of silence. My heart sank as I realized what had just happened. I ran to the other side of the bed to see Manna on the floor, straight on her back, face red, and starting to wail. I immediately picked her up and pulled her to my chest, crying out in panic. I called Walker and tried to tell him, “I need you home now,” through the hot tears pouring out.

When Walker got home to see Manna nursing and seemingly content, he tried to comfort me, but I wouldn’t have it. My heart was in pieces. I know they say to bring the baby in based on her pain level, but what about the mom’s? I couldn’t help but think that she could have fractured her skull, or worse, had a brain bleed….and it was all my fault!

This bed was well over 3 feet tall, and we have hard floors. So we did what any panicking parent would do, and we brought her to the ER to get examined. They immediately brought us back to a room. I felt so ashamed with myself. I just couldn’t believe how terrible a mother I had been, and the worst part being that I had already been so frustrated with her when it happened. Everyone seemed so calm, and I just couldn’t understand why. Walker just kept reassuring me that everything was going to be okay.

The doctor wanted to do a CT scan, but they wouldn’t let me be in the room. So Walker, braving the task at hand, held Manna’s head still while they scanned her. I was standing outside of the door with tears gushing down my face as I listened to my baby screaming in terror. It was heartbreaking. As soon as they opened the door, I grabbed my baby and pulled her in tight.

We waited what felt like hours for the results to come in. But during that time, somehow I felt comforted. Walker, as timely as he could be, pulled up a chair right next to the bed. He held my hand in one hand and my heart in the other. When feelings of failure overwhelmed me, he spoke kind and gentle words over me, washing me in holy peace and assurance. Though I felt so shaken, he was steady throughout every moment, not because he didn’t care, but because he cared so much. I had this one moment where I looked up at him and seeing such care in his eyes, I thought to myself, “this….this is love.”

Praise God, Manna’s CT scan results were clear, and she just kept going like nothing had happened. That night at church, every parent we talked to seemed to have some kind of story of their own. And yes, I did finally give Walker his Valentine’s Day gift, and he loved it!

It wasn’t how we expected to spend our Valentine’s Day, but I still experienced all the lovely feelings that are supposed to come with it. People can argue that it’s not a real holiday, and they may be right. But to me, it’s an opportunity to show love to others! It’s not about flowers, or chocolate, or teddy bears. Sure, I loved my huge teddy bear, new rain coat, chocolate, and homemade Valentine’s Day card, but nothing made me feel more loved than Walker showing such deep godly affection for me in a moment where I didn’t love myself.

”This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.“

‭‭1 John‬ ‭4‬:‭10‬ ‭

”Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.“

‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13‬:‭4‬-‭7‬ ‭